My pregnancy ❤️

I remember exactly where I was, how fast I started to pace around the room, all the million thoughts that bombarded into my head, and all the warmth and fear wrapped into one rush over my body. With no hesitation, I called my doctor to set up an appointment to get the verification I was pregnant. Luckily, I was able to get in the next morning. That same night, I found myself praying that the test I took was no lie, and that my next step in life would be becoming a mother. When morning came and I was sitting in the doctors waiting to hear my pregnancy test results, the nurse popped her head around the corner and said "you are definitely pregnant". I couldn't even contain the excitement. I text my boyfriend immediately and from there on out, becoming a mother was what took over my life. In every possible aspect, becoming pregnant changed who I was. It gave me something to live for, to make better choices for, to over all improve the way I was living. All because of the little heartbeat pumping in my stomach. 

The first question most asked me was if I wanted a boy or a girl. My first answer was a girl. I never knew what I could do with a little boy and so being a girl myself,  having a mini me sounded perfect. Everyone told me it would be a boy, and I began to feel that myself. We had our gender reveal ultrasound at 17 weeks and found out that the little butterflies and swirls I was beginning to feel were coming from our precious son. From then on out, all I could think about was what my son would look like, what color hair he would have, will he be a doctor or a fire fighter one day. Not one part of me could picture what my sweet boy would look like. 

As weeks went on, my goodness he grew. My stomach would bulge to one side in the morning when he was comfortably asleep. I would feel his long arms and legs swimming around when I would drink something cold. The best of it all, was being able to feel a certain part of my stomach depending on the position of baby boy and feeling his healthy heartbeat thumping over and over again. I loved his kicks, even when they hurt. It gave me the peace of mind that my active boy was healthy and growing. I can't even describe the feeling of noticing weeks and weeks going by in your pregnancy, and realizing one day how little time you have until your title "mother" will be put to a test. Little did I understand, having your baby here with you doesn't make you a mother. Having that heartbeat in your stomach and growing that human with every inch of your soul makes you a mother. I was already a mother, before I even met him. 

Once we decided choosing a name was upon us, we both fell in love with Bane Zander. It was debated back in forth for awhile, but then it just became that the little guy in my stomach was no one other then Bane Zander. 

He grew to have such a personality. He wasn't just my unborn baby anymore, he was my son Bane. He was so active, he loved hearing his daddies voice. He loved when I would push around on my stomach so I could feel whatever little body part he would plump up. He was absolutely perfect, and HEALTHY at that.

Noticing I hadn't felt my sweet boys crazy movements one morning caused immediate anxiety, fear, and all around negative thoughts. I tried everything in the book that would normally trigger my sons movements... And when I noticed it wasn't working, going to the hospital became the next step. 

On the drive to the hospital, I began to go crazy inside. My heart was being taken over with more fear then I had ever felt in my life before. Once being admitted, and hooked up to the everything to look for my baby's
heartbeat I couldn't even think. My mind was blank. Once I noticed the only heartbeat that was picking up was mine, my life immediately shattered before my eyes. Hearing and seeing the next two ultrasounds that came next, gave me confirmation of what I thought was, the end of my life. Every dream, plan, and wish I had for the life of my soon to be complete family was taken from me before I could ever have it. My mind couldn't and still can't conceive the loss we have just had. My pregnancy was beautiful though. My son was perfection. My angel who I hadn't met yet was holding me before I could ever hold him.