My sweet angel is almost three months old. I can't even imagine how beautiful he is. I try to picture what he would look like in the outfits we had bought him and I constantly wonder how long his hair is getting. I talk in the sense that he is alive, because I know he's growing in Heaven just as he would on Earth. I know my son is healthy as can be and full of smiles every given moment.
When we were visiting Bane the other day, we got to finally see his stone in the ground. I stood there reading his name over and over again in my head. Sometimes it just feels like were still waiting for him to arrive. I have to remind myself that he's where God wants him to be.
But I still have the same questions from day one running through my head. Why us? I would have never thought in a million years that losing a child would be on my path in life. Why Bane? He was so perfect. He was coming into so much love. He was healthy my whole pregnancy. Nothing makes sense, and because it doesn't make sense, I just have to believe that God wanted him in his arms instead of mine.
It's difficult waking each day knowing he's not coming back. And at times I feel as if I will completely lose it. But it's inevitable, he isn't coming back, so Ive had to adjust to raising my son in a different way. I'm not physically changing his diapers or laughing at him throwing up in his daddies face, but I am keeping his soul alive by speaking of him constantly, thinking about him always, and loving him forever.
The end is never the end. And though, losing him felt like it, I'm growing stronger every day. Appreciate the life God is giving you through the struggles and the smiles, life is too short to let it flow by. The afterlife will have me when it's my time, and knowing my eternal life will be spent with Bane is by far the most comforting thing possible. ❤️
