August 27th.

Yesterday marked 3 weeks since I first saw baby Banes little face ❤️. Each day has begun to get a little easier... But a little bit harder too. When you have nothing other then faith to turn to you can't help but find comfort in knowing where your loved ones are, but a snap back into reality like seeing someone with their baby or having a quiet moment alone can bring back all the heartache I actually feel. Ronnie went back to work on Monday, and that alone set my week off. I knew being alone would be hard in the beginning, but I didn't imagine it to be as bad as it's been. Ronnie taking time off work was supposed to mean our baby was home with us, so him going back while I'm still home... Now empty handed, breaks my heart over and 

over and 

over again. 

All I want in my life is normality again, yet at the same time normality is what I'm trying to avoid because in my heart normality isn't possible without my son here. 

This week I did get everything situated with school, and I couldn't feel more blessed that I'm on my road to be a medical Sonographer. If I can do one thing in my life to try and prevent other couples from going through what I have, I imagine it would be pouring my heart in soul into Sonography. I can't help but think another purpose of Banes was to give me all of the encouragement in the world to follow through with what I love. So if I'm given the chance to catch something on an ultrasound even just once that could save a babies life I can't imagine my career going in any other direction. 

My sweet son definitely lives on. And he will continue to through me. Bane and I had BIG plans for ourselves while I carried him close in my tummy and I won't stop doing what I have to do until my little man sees me accomplish it all. 

August 14.

I can't help but be so jealous of all the new moms I see. I can't help but tear up when I see them post pictures holding their little ones or little videos of the noises they make. It's hard to walk in a store and see what use to be my favorite section turn into something I avoid. Everything I do, I think "the last time I did this I was pregnant, or "the last time I was here I was so and so months along".  I avoid certain places in general just to avoid hearing "you had the baby!". 

I can't do a single thing without Banes face in the back of my head. I can be in a good mood, and the second my mind switches to a flash of his little foot, or a glimpse of his lips I'm reminded by how empty I feel. I can have all the faith and strength in the world, but no matter what it's stuck in the back of my mind that I will never be a mother to my angel the way I know I deserve to be. 

Finding beauty in the sky has become so easy though. Looking up in the clouds has such a more important impact on me knowing that my love is high above in them. 

As my due date approaches faster and faster I can't help but touch my stomach and get taken back to how his little kicks felt. I have such a love for how perfect my pregnant belly was, and I would give the world to have it back.

I read somewhere how a mother who experienced stillbirth stated that her child no longer made her afraid of birth or death. And it's true. Bane erased so many fears I ever had. He taught me so much in our short time together. Best of all, he taught me to be a mother. He prepared me for so much. He made my skin ten times thicker. 

 

August 12.

I miss my sweet honey more and more each day. I still can't wrap my head around why what happened, happened. Knowing I will never hear Banes laugh or see him on his first day of school weights heavy on my heart. Bane gave me a new direction of life. He gave me a reason to live in general. 

Not a word can describe the excitement I had about being a mother. 

Bane will always be my baby. I just can't care for him the way I wish I could. I yearn to be a mother again. After holding my precious mini I can't imagine not trying to bless this world with a sibling of Banes at some point. 

I've had too much taken from me, and in the end I still can't get over how blessed I am. Finding my path in life was what I have needed, and Bane showed me it. ❤️

Birth

Learning that I would soon need to start the process of being induced, I was sickened. I had no words for anything. I felt completely and utterly dead inside. Here it's a Sunday night, where as I would normally be home with my family counting my little mans movements I was in the hospital about to start the process of delivering my deceased son. I remember having such negative thoughts. I didn't feel like having faith would do anything. It just wasn't right that here we are so young, so much love and life to give to our little man that he was taken from us so abruptly. Nothing mad sense, and it was until I could hold him that I could wrap my head around that this HAS to be in Gods greater plan for us. 

For the next 30 hours, I was completely medicated. I was in and out of it. I hated being awake through it all, but I hated even more falling asleep and waking up to it over and over again. It all happened so fast I never had anytime to think about anything other then how my life was over.  

The family and friends that I had with me in the hospital, around the clock, helped me more than I could ever thank them for. If I would have not had the support system I continue to receive there's no way I could find the strength to carry on. Bane was blessed with not only so much love from everyone around us, but the best daddy a child could ever have. Waking up would be a million times harder without Ronnie by my side. 

Once it became time to push I couldn't hold it together. I shook uncontrollably and felt emptier then a person could ever feel. I pushed for 4 contractions total. I didn't feel a thing, I had the best possible labor, and that was just another thing that didn't make sense to me. Seeing that perfect 19 inch long angel with such a full head of dark hair and little long fingernails was what I had waited for the past 8 months. But seeing that sweet baby and not hearing a cry took the life completely out of me. She handed him to me immediately, and I got to feel his soft skin directly on mine. I starred at him, screaming in my head, breaking on the outside. He was beautiful. And I mean absolute perfection. All ten fingers, all ten toes. Dark hair like his daddies, light eyebrows like his mommies, thin little lips like his daddies, and long curled toes like mine. He was the perfect combination of the two of us. And my lord, we loved him so much. 

It just didn't make sense how such a healthy baby who was due so soon was now laying as an angel in my arms. Nothing made sense. 

I kissed his little face a million times. I held his hands. I felt his long hair. I talked to him, I prayed, I cried, I held onto him with all that I had. Everything happened so fast, I still find myself not being able to believe that I lost my baby. But the love that radiated from my sleeping angel could have filled the hearts of billions. ❤️

My pregnancy ❤️

I remember exactly where I was, how fast I started to pace around the room, all the million thoughts that bombarded into my head, and all the warmth and fear wrapped into one rush over my body. With no hesitation, I called my doctor to set up an appointment to get the verification I was pregnant. Luckily, I was able to get in the next morning. That same night, I found myself praying that the test I took was no lie, and that my next step in life would be becoming a mother. When morning came and I was sitting in the doctors waiting to hear my pregnancy test results, the nurse popped her head around the corner and said "you are definitely pregnant". I couldn't even contain the excitement. I text my boyfriend immediately and from there on out, becoming a mother was what took over my life. In every possible aspect, becoming pregnant changed who I was. It gave me something to live for, to make better choices for, to over all improve the way I was living. All because of the little heartbeat pumping in my stomach. 

The first question most asked me was if I wanted a boy or a girl. My first answer was a girl. I never knew what I could do with a little boy and so being a girl myself,  having a mini me sounded perfect. Everyone told me it would be a boy, and I began to feel that myself. We had our gender reveal ultrasound at 17 weeks and found out that the little butterflies and swirls I was beginning to feel were coming from our precious son. From then on out, all I could think about was what my son would look like, what color hair he would have, will he be a doctor or a fire fighter one day. Not one part of me could picture what my sweet boy would look like. 

As weeks went on, my goodness he grew. My stomach would bulge to one side in the morning when he was comfortably asleep. I would feel his long arms and legs swimming around when I would drink something cold. The best of it all, was being able to feel a certain part of my stomach depending on the position of baby boy and feeling his healthy heartbeat thumping over and over again. I loved his kicks, even when they hurt. It gave me the peace of mind that my active boy was healthy and growing. I can't even describe the feeling of noticing weeks and weeks going by in your pregnancy, and realizing one day how little time you have until your title "mother" will be put to a test. Little did I understand, having your baby here with you doesn't make you a mother. Having that heartbeat in your stomach and growing that human with every inch of your soul makes you a mother. I was already a mother, before I even met him. 

Once we decided choosing a name was upon us, we both fell in love with Bane Zander. It was debated back in forth for awhile, but then it just became that the little guy in my stomach was no one other then Bane Zander. 

He grew to have such a personality. He wasn't just my unborn baby anymore, he was my son Bane. He was so active, he loved hearing his daddies voice. He loved when I would push around on my stomach so I could feel whatever little body part he would plump up. He was absolutely perfect, and HEALTHY at that.

Noticing I hadn't felt my sweet boys crazy movements one morning caused immediate anxiety, fear, and all around negative thoughts. I tried everything in the book that would normally trigger my sons movements... And when I noticed it wasn't working, going to the hospital became the next step. 

On the drive to the hospital, I began to go crazy inside. My heart was being taken over with more fear then I had ever felt in my life before. Once being admitted, and hooked up to the everything to look for my baby's
heartbeat I couldn't even think. My mind was blank. Once I noticed the only heartbeat that was picking up was mine, my life immediately shattered before my eyes. Hearing and seeing the next two ultrasounds that came next, gave me confirmation of what I thought was, the end of my life. Every dream, plan, and wish I had for the life of my soon to be complete family was taken from me before I could ever have it. My mind couldn't and still can't conceive the loss we have just had. My pregnancy was beautiful though. My son was perfection. My angel who I hadn't met yet was holding me before I could ever hold him.