Birth

Learning that I would soon need to start the process of being induced, I was sickened. I had no words for anything. I felt completely and utterly dead inside. Here it's a Sunday night, where as I would normally be home with my family counting my little mans movements I was in the hospital about to start the process of delivering my deceased son. I remember having such negative thoughts. I didn't feel like having faith would do anything. It just wasn't right that here we are so young, so much love and life to give to our little man that he was taken from us so abruptly. Nothing mad sense, and it was until I could hold him that I could wrap my head around that this HAS to be in Gods greater plan for us. 

For the next 30 hours, I was completely medicated. I was in and out of it. I hated being awake through it all, but I hated even more falling asleep and waking up to it over and over again. It all happened so fast I never had anytime to think about anything other then how my life was over.  

The family and friends that I had with me in the hospital, around the clock, helped me more than I could ever thank them for. If I would have not had the support system I continue to receive there's no way I could find the strength to carry on. Bane was blessed with not only so much love from everyone around us, but the best daddy a child could ever have. Waking up would be a million times harder without Ronnie by my side. 

Once it became time to push I couldn't hold it together. I shook uncontrollably and felt emptier then a person could ever feel. I pushed for 4 contractions total. I didn't feel a thing, I had the best possible labor, and that was just another thing that didn't make sense to me. Seeing that perfect 19 inch long angel with such a full head of dark hair and little long fingernails was what I had waited for the past 8 months. But seeing that sweet baby and not hearing a cry took the life completely out of me. She handed him to me immediately, and I got to feel his soft skin directly on mine. I starred at him, screaming in my head, breaking on the outside. He was beautiful. And I mean absolute perfection. All ten fingers, all ten toes. Dark hair like his daddies, light eyebrows like his mommies, thin little lips like his daddies, and long curled toes like mine. He was the perfect combination of the two of us. And my lord, we loved him so much. 

It just didn't make sense how such a healthy baby who was due so soon was now laying as an angel in my arms. Nothing made sense. 

I kissed his little face a million times. I held his hands. I felt his long hair. I talked to him, I prayed, I cried, I held onto him with all that I had. Everything happened so fast, I still find myself not being able to believe that I lost my baby. But the love that radiated from my sleeping angel could have filled the hearts of billions. ❤️