August 14.

I can't help but be so jealous of all the new moms I see. I can't help but tear up when I see them post pictures holding their little ones or little videos of the noises they make. It's hard to walk in a store and see what use to be my favorite section turn into something I avoid. Everything I do, I think "the last time I did this I was pregnant, or "the last time I was here I was so and so months along".  I avoid certain places in general just to avoid hearing "you had the baby!". 

I can't do a single thing without Banes face in the back of my head. I can be in a good mood, and the second my mind switches to a flash of his little foot, or a glimpse of his lips I'm reminded by how empty I feel. I can have all the faith and strength in the world, but no matter what it's stuck in the back of my mind that I will never be a mother to my angel the way I know I deserve to be. 

Finding beauty in the sky has become so easy though. Looking up in the clouds has such a more important impact on me knowing that my love is high above in them. 

As my due date approaches faster and faster I can't help but touch my stomach and get taken back to how his little kicks felt. I have such a love for how perfect my pregnant belly was, and I would give the world to have it back.

I read somewhere how a mother who experienced stillbirth stated that her child no longer made her afraid of birth or death. And it's true. Bane erased so many fears I ever had. He taught me so much in our short time together. Best of all, he taught me to be a mother. He prepared me for so much. He made my skin ten times thicker.