July 31st, 2015.

Something I have said over the past year is how much I wanted to keep up with my blog. Keeping up with my blog became hard at a point, because every time I wrote it was a constant battle of being able to see what I was even writing through the tears. But with time, comes strength. I have the weakest days like anyone would, but as I've said from the beginning Bane blessed me with this insane amount of strength to move forward. Strength number one being, living without the one person you could never see yourself without. The person you made with every inch of your soul and body. At this time last year I had no idea my world would be soon flipped completely upside down. The love I had for Bane through my whole pregnancy doesn't compare to the love I was bombarded with the second his little body was put into my arms. They say its the first blind date you know that you'll fall in love and every bit of it is true. It's a love that can't even be described. And in our case, it was a love that would never end, even though our time together had. Life past Bane just didn't seem possible. But every time I wanted to give up, an intense amount of love always came over me. Like he was right next to me saying "Mom, I'm still here!!!" With Bane's 1st birthday in just a couple days, I am determined to take on the day filled with strength and love for my little one. He's my thought process every single day... all day. I feel like as I grow, he is right next to me growing too. Maybe that's part of keeping his name alive? All I know is, my baby has been gone for a whole year, a year without seeing his face, a year without changing his dirty diaper, or singing him lullaby's. A year I never thought I could get through.. but I did. WE did, because I sure know I wouldn't have been able to do it without his daddy. Even though Bane isn't here, we will all continue to grow TOGETHER, our love for him increases, just as our anticipation to see him again does too. My life is for you little one.

October 20th.

My sweet angel is almost three months old. I can't even imagine how beautiful he is. I try to picture what he would look like in the outfits we had bought him and I constantly wonder how long his hair is getting. I talk in the sense that he is alive, because I know he's growing in Heaven just as he would on Earth. I know my son is healthy as can be and full of smiles every given moment.

When we were visiting Bane the other day, we got to finally see his stone in the ground. I stood there reading his name over and over again in my head. Sometimes it just feels like were still waiting for him to arrive. I have to remind myself that he's where God wants him to be. 

But I still have the same questions from day one running through my head. Why us? I would have never thought in a million years that losing a child would be on my path in life. Why Bane? He was so perfect. He was coming into so much love. He was healthy my whole pregnancy. Nothing makes sense, and because it doesn't make sense, I just have to believe that God wanted him in his arms instead of mine. 

It's difficult waking each day knowing he's not coming back. And at times I feel as if I will completely lose it. But it's inevitable, he isn't coming back, so Ive had to adjust to raising my son in a different way. I'm not physically changing his diapers or laughing at him throwing up in his daddies face, but I am keeping his soul alive by speaking of him constantly, thinking about him always, and loving him forever. 

The end is never the end. And though, losing him felt like it, I'm growing stronger every day. Appreciate the life God is giving you through the struggles and the smiles, life is too short to let it flow by. The afterlife will have me when it's my time, and knowing my eternal life will be spent with Bane is by far the most comforting thing possible. ❤️

Angel baby ❤️

One of the million things Bane taught me was how much I don't need to be afraid of. Things that would have normally scared me have come to bring such comfort. 

Creaks throughout the house at night would have normally struck me with thinking the house is haunted and now I can't help but imagine baby Bane just prancing around.

Another fear of mine has always been death. I hated not having the ability to comprehend what death would feel like or how it would go about. Though, I haven't lived my life before Bane as a devoted Christian I was brought up with the understanding of The Lord and I was taught what it meant to live for God. I knew that after death came heaven and hell, but until losing Bane I just never quite understood it. I never truly took into account that just because a person dies, it by any means does not mean they are dead. Bane isn't here physically, but I feel his life within me everyday. He continues to live on in so many ways. 

I am beginning to notice so much that on my weakest days and toughest moments Bane sends immediate comfort my way with allowing me to feel his presence. I constantly pray in hopes he will give me a sign that he is here when in reality I don't need that sign. I know he is. I know that when my heart begins to warm up a little bit it's Bane. I know that when my tears dry up and I begin to smile again it's Bane. I hold on to the tiniest moments of comfort that I find because I know with every inch of my heart and soul it is my son watching over me. ❤️ This mama has her rough days but with the love from my family friends God and Bane I can get through anything.

August 27th.

Yesterday marked 3 weeks since I first saw baby Banes little face ❤️. Each day has begun to get a little easier... But a little bit harder too. When you have nothing other then faith to turn to you can't help but find comfort in knowing where your loved ones are, but a snap back into reality like seeing someone with their baby or having a quiet moment alone can bring back all the heartache I actually feel. Ronnie went back to work on Monday, and that alone set my week off. I knew being alone would be hard in the beginning, but I didn't imagine it to be as bad as it's been. Ronnie taking time off work was supposed to mean our baby was home with us, so him going back while I'm still home... Now empty handed, breaks my heart over and 

over and 

over again. 

All I want in my life is normality again, yet at the same time normality is what I'm trying to avoid because in my heart normality isn't possible without my son here. 

This week I did get everything situated with school, and I couldn't feel more blessed that I'm on my road to be a medical Sonographer. If I can do one thing in my life to try and prevent other couples from going through what I have, I imagine it would be pouring my heart in soul into Sonography. I can't help but think another purpose of Banes was to give me all of the encouragement in the world to follow through with what I love. So if I'm given the chance to catch something on an ultrasound even just once that could save a babies life I can't imagine my career going in any other direction. 

My sweet son definitely lives on. And he will continue to through me. Bane and I had BIG plans for ourselves while I carried him close in my tummy and I won't stop doing what I have to do until my little man sees me accomplish it all. 

August 14.

I can't help but be so jealous of all the new moms I see. I can't help but tear up when I see them post pictures holding their little ones or little videos of the noises they make. It's hard to walk in a store and see what use to be my favorite section turn into something I avoid. Everything I do, I think "the last time I did this I was pregnant, or "the last time I was here I was so and so months along".  I avoid certain places in general just to avoid hearing "you had the baby!". 

I can't do a single thing without Banes face in the back of my head. I can be in a good mood, and the second my mind switches to a flash of his little foot, or a glimpse of his lips I'm reminded by how empty I feel. I can have all the faith and strength in the world, but no matter what it's stuck in the back of my mind that I will never be a mother to my angel the way I know I deserve to be. 

Finding beauty in the sky has become so easy though. Looking up in the clouds has such a more important impact on me knowing that my love is high above in them. 

As my due date approaches faster and faster I can't help but touch my stomach and get taken back to how his little kicks felt. I have such a love for how perfect my pregnant belly was, and I would give the world to have it back.

I read somewhere how a mother who experienced stillbirth stated that her child no longer made her afraid of birth or death. And it's true. Bane erased so many fears I ever had. He taught me so much in our short time together. Best of all, he taught me to be a mother. He prepared me for so much. He made my skin ten times thicker. 

 

August 12.

I miss my sweet honey more and more each day. I still can't wrap my head around why what happened, happened. Knowing I will never hear Banes laugh or see him on his first day of school weights heavy on my heart. Bane gave me a new direction of life. He gave me a reason to live in general. 

Not a word can describe the excitement I had about being a mother. 

Bane will always be my baby. I just can't care for him the way I wish I could. I yearn to be a mother again. After holding my precious mini I can't imagine not trying to bless this world with a sibling of Banes at some point. 

I've had too much taken from me, and in the end I still can't get over how blessed I am. Finding my path in life was what I have needed, and Bane showed me it. ❤️

Birth

Learning that I would soon need to start the process of being induced, I was sickened. I had no words for anything. I felt completely and utterly dead inside. Here it's a Sunday night, where as I would normally be home with my family counting my little mans movements I was in the hospital about to start the process of delivering my deceased son. I remember having such negative thoughts. I didn't feel like having faith would do anything. It just wasn't right that here we are so young, so much love and life to give to our little man that he was taken from us so abruptly. Nothing mad sense, and it was until I could hold him that I could wrap my head around that this HAS to be in Gods greater plan for us. 

For the next 30 hours, I was completely medicated. I was in and out of it. I hated being awake through it all, but I hated even more falling asleep and waking up to it over and over again. It all happened so fast I never had anytime to think about anything other then how my life was over.  

The family and friends that I had with me in the hospital, around the clock, helped me more than I could ever thank them for. If I would have not had the support system I continue to receive there's no way I could find the strength to carry on. Bane was blessed with not only so much love from everyone around us, but the best daddy a child could ever have. Waking up would be a million times harder without Ronnie by my side. 

Once it became time to push I couldn't hold it together. I shook uncontrollably and felt emptier then a person could ever feel. I pushed for 4 contractions total. I didn't feel a thing, I had the best possible labor, and that was just another thing that didn't make sense to me. Seeing that perfect 19 inch long angel with such a full head of dark hair and little long fingernails was what I had waited for the past 8 months. But seeing that sweet baby and not hearing a cry took the life completely out of me. She handed him to me immediately, and I got to feel his soft skin directly on mine. I starred at him, screaming in my head, breaking on the outside. He was beautiful. And I mean absolute perfection. All ten fingers, all ten toes. Dark hair like his daddies, light eyebrows like his mommies, thin little lips like his daddies, and long curled toes like mine. He was the perfect combination of the two of us. And my lord, we loved him so much. 

It just didn't make sense how such a healthy baby who was due so soon was now laying as an angel in my arms. Nothing made sense. 

I kissed his little face a million times. I held his hands. I felt his long hair. I talked to him, I prayed, I cried, I held onto him with all that I had. Everything happened so fast, I still find myself not being able to believe that I lost my baby. But the love that radiated from my sleeping angel could have filled the hearts of billions. ❤️